Holiday Card 2025

Decoder for 2025 Year-in-Revue Holiday Card

1. Jaws: Righting Wrongs. This year’s theme is inspired by the classic marine thriller “Jaws” (1975), which celebrates 50 In the story, a young woman with injuries washes ashore in a sleepy beach town, and the local police chief suspects shark shenanigans. But the town’s leaders are more worried about scaring off tourists than public safety. In our version, the fearless crew faces a foe that’s not just bigheaded but more intelligent, relentless, and dangerous than anyone expected.
   • Chums
     1. Police chief Martin Brody (played by attorney Rob Buchanan) leads our special operation with the ingenuity of a detective, tenacity of a bulldog, and common sense to keep those around him safe. He’s whipping up a seafood smoothie to invite Sir Bites-A-Lot over for a row.
     2. Marine biologist Matilda Hooper (played by paralegal Leslie Caliguri) organizes the team’s strategy with a brain as sharp as a shark’s tooth. She thinks like a shark to outwit him, always moving forward, trusting her instincts to take the shot, and adjusting aim when she misses the big catch.
     3. Swimmer Chrissie Watkins (played by legal intake specialist Caiti Hill) is the fearless socialite, unafraid of the dark or exposure, and diving headfirst into the fray. She’s all ears for those in distress, feeling their pain like her own.
     4. Quint (played by attorney Jack Buchanan) is the grizzled veteran, armed with no-nonsense skills and the kind of intuition to find the bad shark in the ocean.
2. Fall in Louvre. In October 2025, four thieves disguised as construction workers pulled off a heist of the Louvre Museum in broad daylight, stealing the French Crown Jewels worth 88 million euro in just seven minutes. Here, we can see the loot hidden on the sea floor alongside Rose Dawson’s “Heart of the Ocean” necklace and the gold crown gifted to President Donald Trump by South Korea – because apparently, he needed a hat to cover his ears at the “No Kings” rallies!
3. Freak-Off Oil. In July 2025, a New York federal jury found rapper and record producer Sean “Diddy” Combs guilty of transportation for harlotry. The six-week trial was filled with captivating tales, including Diddy’s bizarre obsession with applesauce on cheeseburgers, his excessive amounts of baby oil, his firebombing of a Porsche, and a video of his hotel hallway whupping. He now awaits an executive pardon.
4. Peace at Last. In October 2025, Israel and Hamas finally signed a peace agreement, brokered by none other than President Trump, ending two years of war in Gaza. This remarkable feat had Coldplay’s KissCam capturing the moment as Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyhu celebrated. Next on the White House agenda, acquiring Greenland and Venezuela!
5. Let Them Eat Cake. In June 2025, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos married Blue Origin “glam” astronaut, Lauren Sanchez, in a jaw-dropping $55 million wedding in Venice, Italy. With 250 guests, 90 private jets, and 0 childhood friends, the festivities were a whirlwind of bling, silicone, and enough hair extensions to circle the globe 3 times around.
6. Beware of DOGE. In January 2025, billionaire Elon Musk launched the Department of Government Efficiency or D.O.G.E. The high-octane squad of young, high-paid, tech revolutionaries was on a mission to eliminate government red tape and waste. Their “move fast and break things” mantra resulted in termination of federal contracts, the firing of 300,000 civil service workers, the shutdown of federal agencies and organizations, and the copying of sensitive personal data from government databases – squandering $21.7 billion in just 6 months and causing real damage. Talk about a costly tech glitch!
7. Hands-Free Commute. Starting October 1, 2025, the federal government went into the longest shutdown in history – 43 days – thanks to the two parties’ inability to agree on a new budget. With 700,000 federal employees furloughed without pay, Washington and Big Beautiful Bill were left listless with nobody to paddle the boat.
8. Donald’s Favorite Things. On April 2, 2025, President Trump declared “Liberation Day,” slapping hefty tariffs on practically everything coming into the United States – from steel beams to Labubu dolls and even penguins from uninhabited islands. This proclamation sent shockwaves through global markets, causing a crash like Black Monday in 1987 and raising prices on groceries and other goods. Without missing a beat, Trump quipped, “Why would Joe Biden do this to us?”
9. Billboard Wars. Legal billboards are everywhere in Michigan, plastered with promises of biggest cash, biggest size, and biggest punch. It’s more about marketing than practicing law, with most referring the callers to other law firms for a cut of the fees. The billboard we see here even includes Gen Alpha’s 2025 secret code words, “six seven.” I guess we know which lawyer the kids will favor in the big D.
10. “Unsinkable” 2.0. To celebrate the end of a lengthy trial, British tech mogul Mike Lynch and his American legal team set sail on his “unsinkable” 184-foot superyacht, Bayesian, off the coast of Sicily in August 2024. Fresh from a courtroom victory in California, they were ready to party like it’s 1912 on the North Atlantic. Like with that other invincible British luxury liner, Mother Nature decided to disrupt the celebration, sinking the vessel. Fast forward to June 2025, a salvage crane hoisted the Bayesian from the ocean floor.
11. Watch Out for ICE. In 2025, the new Administration kicked off a “mass deportation” campaign, deploying military troops to major blue cities like Los Angeles, Portland, Oregon, Washington DC, and Chicago. ICE raids swept through electric vehicle plants, construction sites, nail salons, schools, and even churches, whisking away their captives in military aircraft to private prisons in El Salvador. Meanwhile, the State Department revoked thousands of international student visas, leading to a brain drain of top global talent in critical fields. Here, we see ICE agents escorting away staff of America’s hospitality industry. There will be no one to captain one of the yachts back to Little James (Epstein) Island, or to open that secret black book with names of rich and famous that doesn’t exist.
12. Off to Davy Jones’s Locker, Ye Scallywags! In July 2025, CBS fired comedian Stephen Colbert and canceled his top-rated show, a staple of political satire. The network had just shelled out $16 million to settle a Trump lawsuit against “60 Minutes” and needed FCC approval of its $8.4 billion merger. Just two months later, ABC pulled the plug on Jimmy Kimmel Live when the host made a cheeky comment about MAGA in his monologue. POTUS called for the heads of all late-night comics, leaving us to wonder who would dare tell a joke next!
13. Bat Out of Hell. The prince of darkness and lovable reality TV pioneer, Ozzy Ozbourne, passed away in July 2025. Some say he was bat-split crazy, and we’re sure he’s now rocking in the afterlife.
14. Lost in Space. NASA astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore spent over nine months in space, thanks to technical issues with the Boeing Starliner spacecraft that turned their weeklong mission into a space odyssey.